Full circle

We are at our one year anniversary. Officially one year ago, we stood in front of the Judge and took our place as mom and son. Nothing could prepare anyone for the roller coaster ride of being a parent. I am blessed to have had the most amazing support of friends and family during this new venture. I could not be happier than I am at this very moment in my life. I will not say that I changed as a person, I believe I just grew into the woman I was meant to be. I have come full circle. 


So I'm back to the velvet underground
Back to the floor that I love
To a room with some lace and paper flowers
Back to the gypsy that I was to the gypsy that I was
The most amazing part of this journey is Monkey. He is so adaptable and so full of love. He wakes up with a smile, blows me kisses as we say goodbye in the mornings and asks me how my day was when I pick him up. When you have the worst of worst days, there is not one thing that can take away the joy he brings me. I found out about six months ago that I will not be able to have my own kids. I was angry and upset for about a week but then it dawned on me, God gave me the chance to impact Monkey's life and my own. That was my lightening strike I needed to realize that tomorrow is never promised. It comes all down to me, how I chose to handle everything. I could give up who I really was deep down and try to emulate what society believe a "mother" should act, say or do. Or, I could be me. Parenting is never something you should resent or use as an excuse to watch life pass you by.
And it all comes down to you
Well you know that it does, well
Lightning strikes maybe once maybe twice
Oh and it lights up the night
And you see you're a gypsy
You see you're a gypsy

Now after a year, we have a routine. We have our own idiosyncrasies that we have become a custom to. People have come in and out of my life, our lives. I have learned to be weary of those with alternative motives and those that do not have our best interest at heart. I have the same passions that I had before. I still get to do things and experience things that make me happy and I also get to have this amazing child to love, and who loves me. 

To the gypsy
That remains
She faces freedom
With a little fear
Well I have no fear
I have only love
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love

I lived in fear for a long time. Fear once I found out Monkey was sick that I would lose him. Fear that I would fail as a mom and the biggest fear of all was that Monkey wouldn't be happy. These fears far surpassed any thing I had ever worried about before. The thing is, the fear goes away each day. When you wake up grateful every morning, your day  is carried on to the positive notes. I no longer dwell on the bad, sad or madness in this world. I focus on the fact that Monkey and I live in the best world that we can create for each other. Regardless what happens, we will always have enough.

She is dancing away from you now
She was just a wish
She was just a wish
And her memory is all that is left for you now
You see you're a gypsy
You see you're a gypsy


The only difference between last year and now is that I am dancing but, Monkey is dancing along side of me. I still have the gypsy inside that drives me to be the creature that I am. I also get to influence Monkey to have a little gypsy inside him as well. He will always be grounded by a foundation of security, love and sensibility, but I also will make sure that he gets to experience all the adventures that he possibly can. 

Of all the feelings I have experienced, one being unconditional love. That love shows no judgement. It shows no jealousy, hatred or negativity. As long as we keep this in our hearts, we will always be enough.

Im gone...

This post is meant to enlighten you to the eye opening realization I had recently and my choice to adopt Trent. Just because I chose this road doesn't mean you have to. Where I'm going I'm gone...

"life is like an open road

living like a rolling stone

till the day I'm rolling home"

Before Trent, (BT) I had no concept of unconditional love or sacrifice. I did what I wanted, who I wanted and when I wanted. I was up all night and traveled. I did my share of partying and living the lifestyle that was appealing at the time...

But then Trent showed up at my house.  8 years old. Angry at the world and everyone in it. I have two choices, take it or leave it. There was nothing else to say and there was no thinking but into the decision. I knew in my heart, if Trent had any chance at a good life, I had to do what I was about to do.

but i know this, life don't grant you the luxury of indecisiveness, you fuck around and

wait too long and see how quick your life can flip 

But God presented this to me,  "he's like you like this shit?"  and I'm like "yeah" 

and he's like "give up your whole life and shit"  everything I love for a shot 

for the glory writing a new chapter this is my life story…

It's true. When it comes to a decision as serious as becoming a parent, you know that God did put this gift in your lap and you chose to give up your whole life for it. I did. May will be our One year Anniversary as mom and son. The judge asked me those same questions. I answered them yes then, and yes now.

I have dealt with reactions, whether they are good, bad or indifferent. The best part is that it does not matter. It was my choice. I chose my choice. My life is not for everyone, our life, is not for everyone.

The adoption did not change me, it allowed me to evolve into something better. Stronger. I do not party all night anymore. I am not able to just get up and go places without worry. I now do things for us, for our future, for our happiness. I am still a human being. I have no regrets. I have looked sacrifice in the eye that bitch backed down.

I'm not quite dead yet, still got some life in me, still got some fight in me,

don't want to ever  have to wonder what my life would be, 

this is mine rightfully see this life ain't for you but its alright for me

I will never look back to think what my life might have been if I would have chose not to take in Trent. I can not imagine my life without him in it. I was gone, but now baby I'm home.

Dedicated to the fighters...

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

I feel an instant need to educate girls and woman about getting pregnant. I understand that I do not know what that is like however, I am going to dedicate this post to all those children who fight every day to survive.


Before Monkey was born, we had no idea that he wasn't being taken care of. You just assume that with the age of the internet and Health class, one might know that you have to take care of yourself and this being inside of you. Vitamins. Doctor visits. Diet and rest. No smoking. No drugs. No drinking. It is no longer about you.


When you choose to bypass the warnings, you quickly subdue the child. This child joins this earth with a strike.


With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away-eay

There is an unspoken "rule" that boys mature slower than girls. Walk later, talk later and potty train later. We were even farther behind the curve. On his first birthday, he was barley sitting. It wasn't until 2 and a half before he walked. By 3, there were grunts and frustration because he could not communicate with us. This is the "kid" who should not have survived child birth. I have been told that he should not be able to function down to the smallest tasks. Regardless of how frustrated he got, he continued to point at what he wanted. He would throw tantrums and his cups and his plates but he made it clear, in his mind, what he wanted.


They dedicate their lives
To RUNNING all of his
He tries to please THEM all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me


In his head, in his mind he is different. Not as smart as the other kids. Smaller than the other kids. He has a high pitched voice. He is bullied. He is ridiculed. He is secluded. They do not know, that his will keeps him going.


He struggles in school. Not only is he expected to to silence his mind, he has to keep up academically. He was in a main stream general education classroom. He has extra resources. Reading, Language and Math 2x a day. He misses his favorite classes, Science and Art.  He is lost and confused. He is trying. He tries so very hard. Every day he wants to read more and more together so that he "is not dumb." So he can "read good like the other kids." As a mom and a human being, that pulls my heart through my stomach and then out my throat. 


We read all the way to school. We read all the way to work. We read before bed. We read street signs and menu's and billboards. We read everything we can. At school, he is angry and frustrated and he begins to  act up. He is screaming for someone to pay attention to the fact that he is trying with all his might, but he just keeps getting ignored. His chair is put in the center of the classroom alone, while the other kids stay grouped together. The teacher tells the other kids to stay away from him, so he can "focus." In one, just one teacher conference, I almost went bananas. This so called teacher could not show me one piece of work or tell me one positive thing about him. I understand all kids will have their own strengths and opportunities, and trust me, I will admit to mine and his. However, on what planet is there not a single thing RIGHT with someone.  


That was the first and last teacher conference in that school. The next day I began researching schools. Not just for Special Needs children, but for Intellectually Disabled, Special Needs children. Most importantly, a school, to the truest meaning of the word. One that would teach him, feed his mind and have him craving for knowledge. 


Within two weeks, I found one. I applied and he got accepted. I withdrew him and enrolled him overnight. We have found that in his new school. His smile is back. His personality is beaming like it did. He is happy and he is learning. And he loves it. And I love that.




What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN


We should always keep our eyes and hearts open to small blessings. I am blessed every second that Monkey is alive! I will never settle for status quo. 
He fought to survive, I will fight for his life.


Maybe, just maybe, different is the new normal. I will never encourage him to be anyone but himself. I will never try to change or mold him into what he is not. I will vow that as long as there is air in my lungs and blood in my body, I will fight for him as he fights for himself <3




For all parents of a child with any type of disability or special need, please take time to review the Florida School Choice website. This shows private and public schools that are out there and what they specialize in. http://www.floridaschoolchoice.org/information/mckay/
In addition, parents entitled to a FREE parent advocate. They will go to conferences and meetings and help you get your voice across.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been


To all adults out there, whether you are parents are not, please remember that every child deserves a chance for happiness and love. Remember we have to be the voice for those that may not have one. Do not let them down.


http://www.childhelp.org/


http://www.adoptuskids.org/

True colors...

Life is funny sometimes. You are raised to believe that thing's are simple and how things are "supposed to be."
First comes love, next comes marriage, then comes the baby...

The funny part of that is, sometimes, first comes baby that then brings a love that is so unspeakable, there is no way to try and describe it. By now you know that my little man was brought to me officially when he was 8. You may not know that he is my nephew and I was there for his birth. A little background to help put it perspective.

How do you look at a new born baby and walk away? How do you know he is waiting in the NICU and not go see him every waking moment? I do not know because I wore the privileged security bracelet as a badge of honor. It said "mother" because they ironically put the father one on L, my sister. It did not matter because as long as one of us wore this bracelet, we were allowed in. I abused my bracelet, making sure I was there at least for the morning and evening feeding. L, went when she felt like it would drop by. To this day, I will never forget how the other parents thought I healed real fast, real quick from giving birth. I will also always remember that suffocating feeling every day when I had to leave for the night. That is the love that comes second to baby. Even at 4 pounds and in an incubator, I saw his true colors...


"...a mother less child lost in the streets lose."

We always hear that babies were not asked to be born. It goes without saying that no child wants to be born without his best interest at heart. No child wants to be born without parents that are apart of their life, and NO CHILD should ever be! This explains the next 8 years of Monkey's life. My parents did the best they could to make sure he did not get placed into the system while L toured the jails and hospitals and men.
Now, for the record, I am no where near perfect. I will never claim to be nor will I ever aspire to be. I was always told I was not mature enough to take Monkey full time. I am the black sheep. Opinionated, tattooed, independent and the one who goes against the grain. Qualities I felt were great, however, not ideal for a potential single 30 year old who would raise a child alone.

"two people from different worlds...it must have been faith that you were sent to me."


Last year Monkey moved in with me. The first few weeks, he did not have his own room. I was up all night worried I would miss the alarm and he would miss the school bus. I forgot to pack his lunch once. I  was late picking him up. Those days I felt like the worst mom on the planet. I would cry that I was failing and would question if he really was better off with me, blondie. Regardless of what I thought I did wrong, Monkey thought I did amazing. Forgetting his lunch once was "cool" because he had school lunch. Picking him up late, to him, meant the "best kid" got to stay the latest. It's mind boggling the way kids are so innocent and see the world so bright, and colorful and shiny... No matter what I thought I was doing wrong, Monkey saw as great... He knew, for the first time, that he had a mama that would never leave him.

"I see your true colors, shining through, 
I see your true colors, and that's why I love you..."

Monkey was diagnosed with Microcephaly shortly after he came to live with me. The adoption was already in the process, yet, I never realized how much of an impact it would have on us.   The doctor told me that regardless of his life expectancy, make every day amazing for him.

I vowed that day as we left the doctor that I would never let Monkey's disability limit him. I swore that he would be pushed, especially academically. Ending last year, sitting with the assistant principle, both teachers, ESE teacher, counselor, social worker and school psychologist, I was told he was "Intellectually disabled" which is the 2011 way of saying Severely Mentally Retarded. With an IQ of 62, per this group, the numbers said he could not handle general education. I disagreed. Over and over I disagreed. Meeting after meeting, tattooed and opinionated, I stood my ground. I prevailed. Monkey showed progress all year. Starting at a 3 year old reading level and finishing at a 7 year old, he made great strides. I could of put him in the corner and used his illness as a crutch, however I know he has this drive in him. I did and will always see his true potential. His true colors shining through...

We survived the school year and had an amazing summer! Monkey started taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu earlier this year. The first month or so, I had to bribe him to go. It was not that he did not like it, it was that he was not used to doing anything that did not involve the T.V.  Turned out to be one of the most positive influences ever. This proud mom will say, Monkey took Silver in GI and Bronze in No GI in his first tournament last month.  We are blessed to be apart of such a great family at our gym and Monkey could not have prayed for a better trainer S! We worked all summer on reading and writing and of course having fun.

Tomorrow, Monkey starts his first day of 2nd grade. I know that the road ahead of us will be up and down, however, it will always be paved in gold and always shining...

"to teach my son to be a soldier by any means..."

Monster...how should I feel

"His little whispers.
Love Me. Love Me.
That's all I ask for.
Love Me. Love Me."
Monkey had his MRI and EEG to check the brain pressure. When you know you have to explain something to kids, you immediately worry how you will do it without scaring them. I could not imagine how on earth I would explain this one, "so they are going to put a ton of wires on your head and you need to sit still for an hour while the machine makes a ton of noise and no you do not look like a monster..." The DR says to just explain it in a way he will understand. So, I tell him we are going to see HOW BIG his brain is because he is so smart and that it is like America's Next Top Model for his brain. It worked. Loving him is all he asked for...

"He battered his tiny fists to feel something.
Wondered what it's like to touch and feel something.

Monster."
should I feel?
Creatures lie here.
Looking through the window...
That night he caged her.
Bruised and broke her.
He struggled closer.
Then he stole her.
Violet wrists and then her ankles.
Silent Pain.
Then he slowly saw their nightmares were his dreams.

His IQ is 62. Severely mentally retarded or as the new term in 2011, "Intellectually disabled." Excuse my language but GTFOHWTBS! Eating dinner the other night, Monkey tells me that we need "bug repellent." I ask him what he means and as serious as they come, "the stuff that keeps the bugs away hello?" I do not have a PH.D. or a Masters or even an A.A. for that matter, but I can tell you that regardless what they label him as, he is amazing. There are days where I wonder how I will keep up with him and that I will need a tutor to help him as he starts 2nd grade in two weeks. A new venture we are told he would never see... 
This child, never asks for anything. He is never ungrateful. He thanks me for reading him bed time stories. He pulls the chair out for me, carries in the garbage cans and tells me I'm lovely. He did steal me, my heart, my soul, my entire being...


As his face grows, and his forehead does not, even with wires streaming out,  he is not a Monster. He is Monkey and he is mine <3

The beginning...

"Woe this crazy circumstance, I knew his life deserved a chance, but everybody told me to be smart..."

Monkey was born on 9/18/2002, 4lbs, 19 inches, 32 weeks. His first home was the N.I.C.U.  I had a nephew. No words can describe that overwhelming emotion that flushed over me. Sitting for hours, every day holding him. Watching him. The next 8 years were a tornado of events.
"But instead I chose to use my heart..."
God brings children to mom's in many different ways. I got mine at 8 years old. My Zion...
Monkey is now my son and I am his mom.

"I've never been in love like this before. Now let me pray to keep you from the perils that will surely come. See life for you my prince has just begun..."

Young Forever

I've used Jay Z's rendition of Young Forever to begin our story. I want to be able to share our story... This is Monkey's story....

Diagonosed 3/2/11 with Microcephaly (http://www.medicinenet.com/microcephaly/article.htm )

"Let's dance in style, let's dance for a while. Heaven can wait were only watching the skies. Hoping for the best but expecting the worse. Are you going to drop the bomb on us."
     Of course any one who knows me, knows Im crazy. My goal every day is to laugh and smile as much as I can. Needless to say, give me an 8 yr old and clearly, we are going to have fun. A month ago we are at the grocery and he just breaks out into song... and there, we dance in the aisle. We do not care about any one around us... never have and never will....
    Doctors, hostpitals and even dentists have this stigma. They are avoided because "I never get sick" is easier than hearing the truth.
   So now we begin hoping for the best but expecting the worse now that the bomb was dropped...