Full circle

We are at our one year anniversary. Officially one year ago, we stood in front of the Judge and took our place as mom and son. Nothing could prepare anyone for the roller coaster ride of being a parent. I am blessed to have had the most amazing support of friends and family during this new venture. I could not be happier than I am at this very moment in my life. I will not say that I changed as a person, I believe I just grew into the woman I was meant to be. I have come full circle. 


So I'm back to the velvet underground
Back to the floor that I love
To a room with some lace and paper flowers
Back to the gypsy that I was to the gypsy that I was
The most amazing part of this journey is Monkey. He is so adaptable and so full of love. He wakes up with a smile, blows me kisses as we say goodbye in the mornings and asks me how my day was when I pick him up. When you have the worst of worst days, there is not one thing that can take away the joy he brings me. I found out about six months ago that I will not be able to have my own kids. I was angry and upset for about a week but then it dawned on me, God gave me the chance to impact Monkey's life and my own. That was my lightening strike I needed to realize that tomorrow is never promised. It comes all down to me, how I chose to handle everything. I could give up who I really was deep down and try to emulate what society believe a "mother" should act, say or do. Or, I could be me. Parenting is never something you should resent or use as an excuse to watch life pass you by.
And it all comes down to you
Well you know that it does, well
Lightning strikes maybe once maybe twice
Oh and it lights up the night
And you see you're a gypsy
You see you're a gypsy

Now after a year, we have a routine. We have our own idiosyncrasies that we have become a custom to. People have come in and out of my life, our lives. I have learned to be weary of those with alternative motives and those that do not have our best interest at heart. I have the same passions that I had before. I still get to do things and experience things that make me happy and I also get to have this amazing child to love, and who loves me. 

To the gypsy
That remains
She faces freedom
With a little fear
Well I have no fear
I have only love
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love

I lived in fear for a long time. Fear once I found out Monkey was sick that I would lose him. Fear that I would fail as a mom and the biggest fear of all was that Monkey wouldn't be happy. These fears far surpassed any thing I had ever worried about before. The thing is, the fear goes away each day. When you wake up grateful every morning, your day  is carried on to the positive notes. I no longer dwell on the bad, sad or madness in this world. I focus on the fact that Monkey and I live in the best world that we can create for each other. Regardless what happens, we will always have enough.

She is dancing away from you now
She was just a wish
She was just a wish
And her memory is all that is left for you now
You see you're a gypsy
You see you're a gypsy


The only difference between last year and now is that I am dancing but, Monkey is dancing along side of me. I still have the gypsy inside that drives me to be the creature that I am. I also get to influence Monkey to have a little gypsy inside him as well. He will always be grounded by a foundation of security, love and sensibility, but I also will make sure that he gets to experience all the adventures that he possibly can. 

Of all the feelings I have experienced, one being unconditional love. That love shows no judgement. It shows no jealousy, hatred or negativity. As long as we keep this in our hearts, we will always be enough.

Im gone...

This post is meant to enlighten you to the eye opening realization I had recently and my choice to adopt Trent. Just because I chose this road doesn't mean you have to. Where I'm going I'm gone...

"life is like an open road

living like a rolling stone

till the day I'm rolling home"

Before Trent, (BT) I had no concept of unconditional love or sacrifice. I did what I wanted, who I wanted and when I wanted. I was up all night and traveled. I did my share of partying and living the lifestyle that was appealing at the time...

But then Trent showed up at my house.  8 years old. Angry at the world and everyone in it. I have two choices, take it or leave it. There was nothing else to say and there was no thinking but into the decision. I knew in my heart, if Trent had any chance at a good life, I had to do what I was about to do.

but i know this, life don't grant you the luxury of indecisiveness, you fuck around and

wait too long and see how quick your life can flip 

But God presented this to me,  "he's like you like this shit?"  and I'm like "yeah" 

and he's like "give up your whole life and shit"  everything I love for a shot 

for the glory writing a new chapter this is my life story…

It's true. When it comes to a decision as serious as becoming a parent, you know that God did put this gift in your lap and you chose to give up your whole life for it. I did. May will be our One year Anniversary as mom and son. The judge asked me those same questions. I answered them yes then, and yes now.

I have dealt with reactions, whether they are good, bad or indifferent. The best part is that it does not matter. It was my choice. I chose my choice. My life is not for everyone, our life, is not for everyone.

The adoption did not change me, it allowed me to evolve into something better. Stronger. I do not party all night anymore. I am not able to just get up and go places without worry. I now do things for us, for our future, for our happiness. I am still a human being. I have no regrets. I have looked sacrifice in the eye that bitch backed down.

I'm not quite dead yet, still got some life in me, still got some fight in me,

don't want to ever  have to wonder what my life would be, 

this is mine rightfully see this life ain't for you but its alright for me

I will never look back to think what my life might have been if I would have chose not to take in Trent. I can not imagine my life without him in it. I was gone, but now baby I'm home.

Dedicated to the fighters...

New blood joins this earth
And quickly he's subdued
Through constant pained disgrace
The young boy learns their rules

I feel an instant need to educate girls and woman about getting pregnant. I understand that I do not know what that is like however, I am going to dedicate this post to all those children who fight every day to survive.


Before Monkey was born, we had no idea that he wasn't being taken care of. You just assume that with the age of the internet and Health class, one might know that you have to take care of yourself and this being inside of you. Vitamins. Doctor visits. Diet and rest. No smoking. No drugs. No drinking. It is no longer about you.


When you choose to bypass the warnings, you quickly subdue the child. This child joins this earth with a strike.


With time the child draws in
This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on he's known
A vow unto his own
That never from this day
His will they'll take away-eay

There is an unspoken "rule" that boys mature slower than girls. Walk later, talk later and potty train later. We were even farther behind the curve. On his first birthday, he was barley sitting. It wasn't until 2 and a half before he walked. By 3, there were grunts and frustration because he could not communicate with us. This is the "kid" who should not have survived child birth. I have been told that he should not be able to function down to the smallest tasks. Regardless of how frustrated he got, he continued to point at what he wanted. He would throw tantrums and his cups and his plates but he made it clear, in his mind, what he wanted.


They dedicate their lives
To RUNNING all of his
He tries to please THEM all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me


In his head, in his mind he is different. Not as smart as the other kids. Smaller than the other kids. He has a high pitched voice. He is bullied. He is ridiculed. He is secluded. They do not know, that his will keeps him going.


He struggles in school. Not only is he expected to to silence his mind, he has to keep up academically. He was in a main stream general education classroom. He has extra resources. Reading, Language and Math 2x a day. He misses his favorite classes, Science and Art.  He is lost and confused. He is trying. He tries so very hard. Every day he wants to read more and more together so that he "is not dumb." So he can "read good like the other kids." As a mom and a human being, that pulls my heart through my stomach and then out my throat. 


We read all the way to school. We read all the way to work. We read before bed. We read street signs and menu's and billboards. We read everything we can. At school, he is angry and frustrated and he begins to  act up. He is screaming for someone to pay attention to the fact that he is trying with all his might, but he just keeps getting ignored. His chair is put in the center of the classroom alone, while the other kids stay grouped together. The teacher tells the other kids to stay away from him, so he can "focus." In one, just one teacher conference, I almost went bananas. This so called teacher could not show me one piece of work or tell me one positive thing about him. I understand all kids will have their own strengths and opportunities, and trust me, I will admit to mine and his. However, on what planet is there not a single thing RIGHT with someone.  


That was the first and last teacher conference in that school. The next day I began researching schools. Not just for Special Needs children, but for Intellectually Disabled, Special Needs children. Most importantly, a school, to the truest meaning of the word. One that would teach him, feed his mind and have him craving for knowledge. 


Within two weeks, I found one. I applied and he got accepted. I withdrew him and enrolled him overnight. We have found that in his new school. His smile is back. His personality is beaming like it did. He is happy and he is learning. And he loves it. And I love that.




What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been
What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never free
Never me
So I dub thee UNFORGIVEN


We should always keep our eyes and hearts open to small blessings. I am blessed every second that Monkey is alive! I will never settle for status quo. 
He fought to survive, I will fight for his life.


Maybe, just maybe, different is the new normal. I will never encourage him to be anyone but himself. I will never try to change or mold him into what he is not. I will vow that as long as there is air in my lungs and blood in my body, I will fight for him as he fights for himself <3




For all parents of a child with any type of disability or special need, please take time to review the Florida School Choice website. This shows private and public schools that are out there and what they specialize in. http://www.floridaschoolchoice.org/information/mckay/
In addition, parents entitled to a FREE parent advocate. They will go to conferences and meetings and help you get your voice across.

What I've felt
What I've known
Never shined through in what I've shown
Never be
Never see
Won't see what might have been


To all adults out there, whether you are parents are not, please remember that every child deserves a chance for happiness and love. Remember we have to be the voice for those that may not have one. Do not let them down.


http://www.childhelp.org/


http://www.adoptuskids.org/