Life is funny sometimes. You are raised to believe that thing's are simple and how things are "supposed to be."
First comes love, next comes marriage, then comes the baby...
The funny part of that is, sometimes, first comes baby that then brings a love that is so unspeakable, there is no way to try and describe it. By now you know that my little man was brought to me officially when he was 8. You may not know that he is my nephew and I was there for his birth. A little background to help put it perspective.
How do you look at a new born baby and walk away? How do you know he is waiting in the NICU and not go see him every waking moment? I do not know because I wore the privileged security bracelet as a badge of honor. It said "mother" because they ironically put the father one on L, my sister. It did not matter because as long as one of us wore this bracelet, we were allowed in. I abused my bracelet, making sure I was there at least for the morning and evening feeding. L, went when she felt like it would drop by. To this day, I will never forget how the other parents thought I healed real fast, real quick from giving birth. I will also always remember that suffocating feeling every day when I had to leave for the night. That is the love that comes second to baby. Even at 4 pounds and in an incubator, I saw his true colors...
"...a mother less child lost in the streets lose."
We always hear that babies were not asked to be born. It goes without saying that no child wants to be born without his best interest at heart. No child wants to be born without parents that are apart of their life, and NO CHILD should ever be! This explains the next 8 years of Monkey's life. My parents did the best they could to make sure he did not get placed into the system while L toured the jails and hospitals and men.
Now, for the record, I am no where near perfect. I will never claim to be nor will I ever aspire to be. I was always told I was not mature enough to take Monkey full time. I am the black sheep. Opinionated, tattooed, independent and the one who goes against the grain. Qualities I felt were great, however, not ideal for a potential single 30 year old who would raise a child alone.
"two people from different worlds...it must have been faith that you were sent to me."
Last year Monkey moved in with me. The first few weeks, he did not have his own room. I was up all night worried I would miss the alarm and he would miss the school bus. I forgot to pack his lunch once. I was late picking him up. Those days I felt like the worst mom on the planet. I would cry that I was failing and would question if he really was better off with me, blondie. Regardless of what I thought I did wrong, Monkey thought I did amazing. Forgetting his lunch once was "cool" because he had school lunch. Picking him up late, to him, meant the "best kid" got to stay the latest. It's mind boggling the way kids are so innocent and see the world so bright, and colorful and shiny... No matter what I thought I was doing wrong, Monkey saw as great... He knew, for the first time, that he had a mama that would never leave him.
"I see your true colors, shining through,
I see your true colors, and that's why I love you..."
Monkey was diagnosed with Microcephaly shortly after he came to live with me. The adoption was already in the process, yet, I never realized how much of an impact it would have on us. The doctor told me that regardless of his life expectancy, make every day amazing for him.
I vowed that day as we left the doctor that I would never let Monkey's disability limit him. I swore that he would be pushed, especially academically. Ending last year, sitting with the assistant principle, both teachers, ESE teacher, counselor, social worker and school psychologist, I was told he was "Intellectually disabled" which is the 2011 way of saying Severely Mentally Retarded. With an IQ of 62, per this group, the numbers said he could not handle general education. I disagreed. Over and over I disagreed. Meeting after meeting, tattooed and opinionated, I stood my ground. I prevailed. Monkey showed progress all year. Starting at a 3 year old reading level and finishing at a 7 year old, he made great strides. I could of put him in the corner and used his illness as a crutch, however I know he has this drive in him. I did and will always see his true potential. His true colors shining through...
We survived the school year and had an amazing summer! Monkey started taking Brazilian Jiu Jitsu earlier this year. The first month or so, I had to bribe him to go. It was not that he did not like it, it was that he was not used to doing anything that did not involve the T.V. Turned out to be one of the most positive influences ever. This proud mom will say, Monkey took Silver in GI and Bronze in No GI in his first tournament last month. We are blessed to be apart of such a great family at our gym and Monkey could not have prayed for a better trainer S! We worked all summer on reading and writing and of course having fun.
Tomorrow, Monkey starts his first day of 2nd grade. I know that the road ahead of us will be up and down, however, it will always be paved in gold and always shining...
"to teach my son to be a soldier by any means..."
